When Mother’s Day Hurts: Holding Space for Grief Not Just Gratitude
"Some days don't need celebration. They need truth. They need tenderness. They need space to say: this hurts, too."
Mother’s Day Isn’t Soft for Everyone
Let’s just name it: not everybody looks forward to Mother’s Day.
The commercials, the cards, the pastel-colored brunches—they paint this day as gentle, sweet, and joyful. But for a lot of people, it feels like being asked to celebrate something that’s still hurting. Or missing. Or never quite fit right to begin with.
You might’ve lost your mother. You might’ve had a mother who didn’t know how to love you in the ways you needed. Maybe you’re a mom yourself, doing your best through grief, exhaustion, or estrangement. Or maybe you chose not to be a mom, and this day just makes you feel invisible.
Wherever you land, if this day doesn’t sit right—you’re not alone.
Why Mother’s Day Can Hurt
Grief doesn’t check the calendar. It shows up when it wants to, even on days that are supposed to feel special.
Maybe this day opens up something you’ve worked hard to tuck away. Maybe it makes you wonder what could’ve been. Or maybe it brings up old patterns and wounds you thought you were done with.
Here are just a few reasons it might feel heavy:
Loss: Your mom passed away, and no phone call, no card, no bouquet is going to fill that space.
Estrangement: You’ve had to put up boundaries, maybe even cut ties, and there’s still guilt and second-guessing.
Emotional neglect: She was there, technically. But you didn’t feel held. Seen. Cared for.
Longing: You wanted to be a mom. You tried. But it didn’t happen.
Complication: You love her. But loving her has always come with layers.
Even if nobody around you gets it, your experience still matters. You don’t have to match anyone else’s definition of what this day is “supposed” to feel like.
You Don’t Owe This Day Anything
If you’re tired of pretending, you don’t have to.
You don’t have to perform joy. You don’t have to force a smile over eggs and mimosas. You don’t even have to acknowledge the day if you don’t want to.
Try this instead:
“What do I need today?”
That’s it. Not what your family wants. Not what Instagram says. Just—what do you need?
Other Ways to Move Through the Day
Let’s talk about what honoring yourself could look like—on your terms.
1. Opt Out Entirely
Yes, you can. No social media. No texts. No brunch. No forced cheer. You can log out, tune out, and let the day pass without ceremony.
Protecting your peace is a valid plan.
2. Make Your Own Ritual
Forget the traditions that don’t feel right. Make one that does.
Light a candle for who you lost—or who you needed.
Write a letter to the kid version of you who wanted more.
Make a playlist that holds your emotions.
Take a quiet walk and let your body speak where your words can’t.
You don’t need an audience to make meaning.
3. Practice Intentional Self-Mothering
This one hits deep.
Give yourself what you didn’t get.
Cook a favorite meal from your childhood (even if no one made it for you back then).
Say what you wish someone would’ve said: “I see you. I’m proud of you. You didn’t deserve what happened.”
Let yourself nap. Cry. Breathe.
The smallest acts of care can be the loudest declarations of love.
4. Be With Chosen Family
If your family doesn’t feel like home, find people who do.
Text someone who gets it.
Go for a walk with a friend.
Schedule a call with someone who makes you feel grounded.
Family isn’t always about blood. Sometimes it’s about who holds you without conditions.
5. Tell the Truth
This might be the most powerful one of all.
Write it. Say it. Let it breathe.
“What I needed to hear growing up was…”
“The kind of mom I wished for looked like…”
“Right now I feel…” (And let that be enough)
You don’t have to spin your story into something pretty. You just have to let it be real.
You’re Allowed to Show Up Exactly As You Are
This day might meet you with tears, numbness, frustration, relief, or even a strange kind of joy. All of that is okay.
You can:
Miss someone who’s still alive
Feel love and pain at the same time
Say “I don’t want to talk about it”
Find care outside of your family
Rest without guilt
There’s no script for healing. There’s just you—and what you need today.
A Few Grounding Reminders
“I don’t need to justify my grief.”
“I’m allowed to hold space for everything I feel.”
“My version of this day still counts.”
“I mother myself in the ways I needed most.”
“I don’t owe anyone a performance.”
“You don’t have to fix this day. You just have to make room for whatever shows up.”
You’re not too sensitive. You’re not broken. You’re not alone.
This day might not be soft. But you still deserve softness.
Be gentle with yourself. That’s more than enough.
This blog is part of a deeper healing series. Stay close.
More is on the way—to support your growth, step by step
