Memory vs. Manipulation: When a Parent Has Gaslit You
“That never happened.”
“You’re being dramatic.”
“You always make things worse than they are.”
You might’ve heard things like this growing up. And if you did, you probably learned early on that telling the truth—your truth—came with consequences.
That’s what it feels like when a parent gaslights you. It’s not always loud or obvious. Sometimes, it’s quiet. Calculated. Dressed up as concern or love. But beneath it, there’s a message:
“Your reality doesn’t matter here.”
And that stays with you.
When you’re raised by someone who twists the truth or denies what you know happened, you start to second-guess yourself. You learn to shrink your emotions. You learn to edit your memories. Not because you want to—but because you were trained to.
This kind of harm doesn’t always leave bruises. But it does leave confusion. It leaves silence. And if no one names it, you carry that silence like it’s yours to bear.
What It Looks Like When a Parent Gaslights You
This kind of gaslighting can be hard to spot—especially when it’s been in the water since you were little. It doesn’t always sound cruel. Sometimes it sounds like:
“You’re remembering that wrong.”
“You always take things the wrong way.”
“I never said that.”
Over time, this pattern shows up in:
Denying things that clearly happened
Dismissing your emotions or calling you too sensitive
Shifting blame back onto you
Ignoring or rewriting whole seasons of pain
Making you feel guilty for bringing things up at all
What makes it harder? Sometimes the person gaslighting you is also someone you love. Someone you’ve wanted to protect or please. That complicates the healing.
But love doesn’t erase harm. And loyalty doesn’t mean you can’t name the truth.
How It Shapes You Over Time
When you’ve been gaslit by a parent, it doesn’t just impact your relationship with them. It changes how you see yourself.
You may:
Apologize even when you’ve done nothing wrong
Feel the need to over-explain, just to be taken seriously
Stay silent in situations where you should speak up
Stay in relationships where your voice doesn’t feel welcome
You might even start gaslighting yourself:
“Maybe I made it up.”
“Maybe I’m being dramatic.”
“Maybe I was too much.”
But those aren’t your words. That’s the voice you had to survive.
Healing means learning how to speak to yourself differently now.
Why the Holidays Hit Different
Family gatherings can open old wounds. You might not expect it. Maybe you look forward to them. But then—something shifts. A comment. A silence. An expectation that you’ll play along.
You might:
Feel like your body tenses without knowing why
Hear someone rewrite the past in front of you
Notice how fast you revert to being small, quiet, agreeable
That’s not you backsliding. That’s your nervous system remembering.
That’s what happens when your truth has been dismissed for so long, it feels safer to disappear than to be real.
You’re not broken for feeling that way.
You’re responding to a pattern that’s been playing out for years.
What Healing Can Look Like
Healing starts slow. Quiet. You may not shout your truth from the rooftops—but you begin to say it to yourself. And that’s a beginning.
You start with:
Believing what you felt—even if no one else does
Naming what happened, even if they don’t admit it
Writing it down so you don’t forget again
Being around people who don’t make you doubt yourself
You set small boundaries, even if your voice shakes.
You stop explaining your pain to people committed to misunderstanding it.
You begin to trust your own memory again.
Therapy can help. Rest can help. Reflection, support, and spiritual practices can help.
But mostly—it’s the steady work of choosing yourself, over and over.
You’re Not Crazy. You’re Remembering.
That confusion you feel? It’s valid. It’s part of the wound.
But underneath the fog is a memory. A voice. A truth that’s been waiting for you to come back to it.
You are not dramatic.
You are not making it up.
You are not too much.
You are healing.
And healing sounds like:
“I believe what I felt.”
“I don’t need them to validate it.”
“That happened—and I get to decide what I do with it now.”
Some days will feel clear. Others will feel heavy. That’s part of it.
But each time you speak truth to yourself, you move closer to peace.
Closer to clarity.
Closer to you.
You don’t owe anyone silence to stay in the room.
You’re allowed to bring your whole self now—including the version that remembers.
This blog is part of a deeper healing series. Stay close.
More is on the way—to support your growth, step by step.
